Saturday, May 21, 2011

I Got Myself Into a Stupid Confrontation: Now What Do I Do?

I was pulling into a restaurant today when some kid started to walk out in front of me. So I stopped and waved him on.

He stopped and waved me on.

I shook my head--he was looking straight at me--and waved again with eyebrows waived. Let's go.

He would not go. He mimicked my gesture perfectly, like a six year old playing the mimicking game.

Well. No one out-jackasses Mash.

After about five more seconds of this, I put my window down and yelled, "Move, jackass!" He showed me his Mister Digit hand puppet, yelled "fuck you!" and, after a moment's hesitation (during which I put my hand on the door handle to get out of the car) he finally did cross the damn parking lot. And yes, had he continued to refuse to move, I was prepared to get out of my car and have a personal chat with the gentleman about the issue. Not that I was concerned that was going to happen; 95 percent of the time, they back down.

There's an important lesson here: if you want to be good at life, for crap's sake, WIN. Looking back, my best play would have been to simply go the first time the dude waved me on; I was in a car and he was not, after all. It was dumb of me to insist on something so stupid. But once a confrontation's started, never, ever back down. Never lose a confrontation unless it's by physically getting your ass kicked. Otherwise you won't respect yourself, and if you don't respect yourself, nobody else is ever going to respect you.

So, in the unlikely event you forgot: No one out-jackasses Mash, once jackassishness has been called into question.

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