Saturday, May 21, 2011

I Got Myself Into a Stupid Confrontation: Now What Do I Do?

I was pulling into a restaurant today when some kid started to walk out in front of me. So I stopped and waved him on.

He stopped and waved me on.

I shook my head--he was looking straight at me--and waved again with eyebrows waived. Let's go.

He would not go. He mimicked my gesture perfectly, like a six year old playing the mimicking game.

Well. No one out-jackasses Mash.

After about five more seconds of this, I put my window down and yelled, "Move, jackass!" He showed me his Mister Digit hand puppet, yelled "fuck you!" and, after a moment's hesitation (during which I put my hand on the door handle to get out of the car) he finally did cross the damn parking lot. And yes, had he continued to refuse to move, I was prepared to get out of my car and have a personal chat with the gentleman about the issue. Not that I was concerned that was going to happen; 95 percent of the time, they back down.

There's an important lesson here: if you want to be good at life, for crap's sake, WIN. Looking back, my best play would have been to simply go the first time the dude waved me on; I was in a car and he was not, after all. It was dumb of me to insist on something so stupid. But once a confrontation's started, never, ever back down. Never lose a confrontation unless it's by physically getting your ass kicked. Otherwise you won't respect yourself, and if you don't respect yourself, nobody else is ever going to respect you.

So, in the unlikely event you forgot: No one out-jackasses Mash, once jackassishness has been called into question.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Working the Register for $8.00 an Hour Does Suck

Today I bought some fresh salsa at a local grocer. I stood in line about five minutes while, as per federal law, the woman in line directly in front of me (and I don't mean to be a sexist, but this person is always a woman) made a lengthy ordeal out of paying for her damned vegetables and bread. No matter, I'm never in a hurry; this situation is exactly why God gave us the iPhone.

When finally it was my turn, the girl at the counter zapped the salsa, looked up at me and said, with all the animated excitement of a person attending her mother's funeral, "Do you have a bonus card?"

"Hello to you too!" spoke Mash, pleasantly, trying as always to make the other person's day a tiny bit more bearable.

You know that sound young women make to express that nothing in the world has ever been more annoying than what you just said? It's kind of a very short sigh blended with a grunt. You know the sound I'm talking about, you've heard it a hundred times before.

And as I left the store with my salsa, I reminded myself that some people just can't be helped.